


The Star Wars Group Chat No One Asked For

by ghosted_pixell



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Drunk Texting, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone Is Gay, Gay, Group chat, Memes, Multi, Texting, gc au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 17:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10881438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghosted_pixell/pseuds/ghosted_pixell
Summary: Basically an extremely homosexual group chat, so it's modern and not a long time ago or in a galaxy far away





	1. uno

**Author's Note:**

> Hux : gingerbread (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Kylo : edgelord2002 (Freshman/yr10)  
> Rey : jediscum (Freshman/yr10)  
> Finn : FN-noturbitch (Freshman/yr10)  
> Poe : damnuron (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Phasma : silverhoe (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Han : smugsmuggler (Junior/yr12)  
> Leia : cinnamonroll (Junior/yr12)  
> Luke: islandloner (Junior/yr12)  
> Anakin : thesandman (Senior/yr13)  
> Padme : chokeme (Senior/yr13)  
> Obi Wan : hellothere (Senior/yr13)

edgelord2002 has added gingerbread, silverhoe, damnuron, FN-noturbitch and jediscum to chat  
edgelord2002 has renamed chat guys we're dead

edgelord2002 -- guys.  
gingerbread -- plz no  
FN-noturbitch -- what do you want ben?  
edgelord2002 -- i didn't even say anything hux  
gingerbread -- but it'll be bad whatever it is  
jediscum -- just spit it out  
edgelord2002 -- we're starting high school tomorrow  
edgelord2002 -- we have to go to school and do real work  
damnuron -- it's not that bad  
silverhoe -- you think it is and then you're like oh this is the same as last year  
edgelord2002 -- but anything could happen  
gingerbread -- you'll learn shit, graduate, and do nothing else  
edgelord2002 -- but when the juniors started high school han was dating leia and now han is dating luke  
jediscum -- i think you missed most of what happened  
silverhoe -- you definitely remembered it wrong  
gingerbread -- leia and han started dating so han and luke would spend more time together because they had lowkey crushes on each other  
damnuron -- and leia is a lesbian princess anyway fam  
FN-noturbitch -- he has a point though, what if we're not friends this time next year  
silverhoe -- or worse  
silverhoe -- hux finally befriends mitaka  
edgelord2002 -- don't do it hux he's weird  
gingerbread -- you're weird and i befriended you  
FN-noturbitch -- shots fired  
jediscum -- get rekt crylo ren  
edgelord2002 -- stop calling me that fools  
gingerbread -- so i was right ren had nothing good to say, it was just shit  
edgelord2002 -- well you're a shit boyfriend  
silverhoe -- you two are dating?  
jediscum -- i don't know how i feel about this  
gingerbread -- we're not dating  
gingerbread -- ren is just a little bitch  
damnuron -- your little bitch apparently  
FN-noturbitch -- i'm adding the juniors, they know wtf is going on

FN-noturbitch has added cinnamonroll, smugsmuggler and islandloner to guys we're dead

smugsmuggler -- what a shit name  
damnuron -- kylo named it  
smugsmuggler -- okay no longer surprised

smugsmuggler has named the chat jabba the fuck

smugsmuggler -- that kid is dead tomorrow  
cinnamonroll -- is2g if you beat him up you're dead  
islandloner -- what happened  
smugsmuggler -- the kid stole my stash  
silverhoe -- ben your cousin deals drugs?  
edgelord2002 -- nope he's dumb  
edgelord2002 -- he deals memes without watermarks, rare pepes and shit like that  
islanloner -- he makes a lot of money from it  
smugsmuggler -- you're damn right

cinnamonroll has named the chat some chilled kids

cinnamonroll -- you are not beating anyone up while you date my brother you little shit  
jediscum -- leia takes no prisoners  
gingerbread -- true story, i'm still scarred after last year  
edgelord2002 -- what happened  
cinnamonroll -- you may be the worst kid we know, but you're not allowed to get pushed around by that ginger asshole  
gingerbread -- she locked me in her basement when phasma told her i liked ben  
FN-noturbitch -- you like ben?  
damnuron -- psychos date psychos i guess

silverhoe has started a private chat with gingerbread

silverhoe -- you still like him  
gingerbread -- is2g phasma  
silverhoe -- you should talk to rey's cousins about it  
gingerbread -- luke hates ben and leia hates me  
silverhoe -- i can't be dealing with you moping though

some chill kids --

jediscum -- phasma is pretty psycho too  
silverhoe -- nah i just have ambition  
FN-noturbitch -- she's a bully though, had me doing all sorts of shit in middle school  
damnuron -- yeh i had to rescue you  
islandloner -- otp  
smugsmuggler -- wtf luke  
islandloner -- after us ofc <3  
smugsmuggler -- no idk what that means  
islandloner -- i just think they're cute together  
jediscum -- they are adorable  
islandloner -- my wee cousin agrees!  
jediscum -- y tho  
jediscum -- hey luke can i ask why that's your name  
islandloner -- because of the tragedy that happened this summer  
islandloner -- our cousin, ani, with his boyfriend and girlfriend took me away with them for mindfulness training  
islandloner -- no wifi  
islandloner -- no han or leia  
islandloner -- and no pizza  
jediscum -- oooh can i add them  
jediscum -- and sorry you had to go through that

jediscum has added thesandman, chokeme and hello there to some chill kids

jediscum -- hey wassup hello  
thesandman -- saw yo pretty ass the second you walked in the door  
hellothere -- please no  
gingerbread -- i feel you man  
chokeme -- don't encourage them  
thesandman -- nice chat, we even got some freshmen here  
hellothere -- y'all ready for school  
edgelord2002 -- nope


	2. dos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part two my hoes (I mean it in a good way)  
> so continuing with the fuck school i'm emo kylo ren vibes, I bring you, the first day of my kids going to high school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hux : gingerbread (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Kylo : edgelord2002 (Freshman/yr10)  
> Rey : jediscum (Freshman/yr10)  
> Finn : FN-noturbitch (Freshman/yr10)  
> Poe : damnuron (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Phasma : silverhoe (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Han : smugsmuggler (Junior/yr12)  
> Leia : cinnamonroll (Junior/yr12)  
> Luke: islandloner (Junior/yr12)  
> Anakin : thesandman (Senior/yr13)  
> Padme : chokeme (Senior/yr13)  
> Obi Wan : hellothere (Senior/yr13)

some chill kids

 

FN-noturbitch -- guys you will not believe anything that just happened

jediscum -- i saw it it was extreme

cinnamonroll -- what was it finn?

FN-noturbitch -- so i'm walking down the hallway minding my own business going to my bio class

jediscum -- btw our teacher sucked he called me a dyke idek why

FN-noturbitch -- stfu rey

FN-noturbitch -- so i'm walking and this kid yells hey fag at me

FN-noturbitch -- he walks up to me and punches me square in the face

FN-noturbitch -- i'm like wtf but i say nothing bc i don't want it to happen again

FN-noturbitch -- his friends are egging him on and shit

FN-noturbitch -- and then poe walks up behind him taps his shoulder and is all

FN-noturbitch -- so what if he is at least he doesn't have a shit face like you

FN-noturbitch -- and then it happened

damnuron -- i can't believe you're telling everyone over text

gingerbread -- shut up poe i wanna know what happened

edgelord2002 -- you're interested?

gingerbread -- shh

thesandman -- omg i'm so excited for this

islandloner -- i can't get over someone punching finn, he's too innocent

damnuron -- not really luke

chokeme -- let the poor boy speak!

FN-noturbitch -- poe kisses me

thesandman -- that's so cute

islandloner -- otp intensifies

islandloner -- i knew it han i knew it

smugsmuggler -- good on you two, that's so cute

jediscum -- you don't understand they were going for it in the middle of the hallway

jediscum -- i think poe even slipped some tongue in

FN-noturbitch -- he did

gingerbread -- !!!

edgelord2002 -- hearing that story is the most action hux has gotten in years

silverhoe -- not for long ;) ;)

 

silverhoe has started a chat with jediscum

 

silverhoe -- hey rey

silverhoe -- that kinda sounds cool actually

jediscum -- wtf do you want

silverhoe -- i wanted to know if you're okay

silverhoe -- after the biology teacher incident

jediscum -- yeh i just don't get why

jediscum -- do i look gay or come off as gay

silverhoe -- unfortunately not

jediscum -- what

silverhoe -- what

 

silverhoe has disconnected the private chat

silverhoe has started a private chat with gingerbread

 

silverhoe -- we have two serious issues now

gingerbread -- i didn't know we even had one serious incident

silverhoe -- really

silverhoe -- you are a lonely grumpy 15 year old who needs Kylo Ren in your life to sustain any happiness

silverhoe -- problem one is how we're going to hook you two up

gingerbread -- plz don't

gingerbread -- but explain problem two

silverhoe -- i'll send a screenshot

silverhoe -- _attachment :: 1 image_

gingerbread -- you actually said that to rey

silverhoe -- yup

gingerbread -- so are you gay?

gingerbread -- i mean i kind of always thought you were but didn't want to ask

silverhoe -- idk but rey is pretty and i sometimes look at her and want to kiss her

gingerbread -- i don't usually care about anyone's love life but i guess that's cute

silverhoe -- well you certainly don't care about yours

gingerbread -- i don't like ben like that

gingerbread -- he's pathetic

silverhoe -- he can put up a fight, and you're forgetting he's a year younger than us

silverhoe -- you'll always see him like that

silverhoe -- we could make a pact

gingerbread -- okay

silverhoe -- the first to get with one of said freshmen has to tell anakin they hate sand too

silverhoe -- but

silverhoe -- we do both have to make an effort with rey and ben

gingerbread -- but we'll have to be around anakin constantly

gingerbread -- padme and obi wan were just starting to like me

silverhoe -- may the best gay win

 

some chill kids

 

edgelord2002 -- bitch plz hux couldn't get action if he paid for it

gingerbread -- i must say i'm not a fan of prostitution so i suppose you're right in that sense

edgelord2002 -- you're still coming around later right?

gingerbread -- of course you idiot

chokeme -- i can't tell if those two are dating or mortal enemies

hellothere -- i think both

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading guys!!! it was my birthday yesterday so like how everyone gets gifts on jesus's birthday anyone who reads this gets this gift on my birthday  
> sorry it's a shit gift but it might cleanse you from your sins idk


	3. idk what three is in spanish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aight time for round three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hux : gingerbread (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Kylo : edgelord2002 (Freshman/yr10)  
> Rey : jediscum (Freshman/yr10)  
> Finn : FN-noturbitch (Freshman/yr10)  
> Poe : damnuron (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Phasma : silverhoe (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Han : smugsmuggler (Junior/yr12)  
> Leia : cinnamonroll (Junior/yr12)  
> Luke: islandloner (Junior/yr12)  
> Anakin : thesandman (Senior/yr13)  
> Padme : chokeme (Senior/yr13)  
> Obi Wan : hellothere (Senior/yr13)

some chill kids

 

chokeme -- i just want to acknowledge how full of yourself you are

thesandman -- babe you can't just say that, who are you even talking to

islandloner -- fuck should we go

cinnamonroll -- luke!

smugsmuggler -- leia chill he has reason

hellothere -- padme maybe explain what you mean

chokeme -- fine

chokeme -- i'm angry

hellothere -- we got that much

chokeme -- at you two

chokeme -- you and ani are always together going places without me

chokeme -- i'm sick of it guys

thesandman -- padme what are you saying

chokeme -- all you care about is your relationship with obi wan

 

chokeme has left the chat

 

thesandman -- fuck

thesandman -- i'll go talk to her

 

gingerbread has started a private chat with edgelord2002

 

gingerbread -- hey kylo

edgelord2002 -- you never private anyone what happened

gingerbread -- i just wanted to talk to you

gingerbread -- if you don't want to i get it

edgelord2002 -- we were legit at my house earlier

edgelord2002 -- we could have spoken to me then

gingerbread -- look, can i just ask you something

edgelord2002 -- yeah sure i guess

gingerbread -- are you gay

gingerbread -- i don't mean it to be a jerk it's just all of our friends seem to be and i heard that at a school all the gay kids will accidentally become friends before any of them come out

edgelord2002 -- it's fine, you don't sound like a jerk

edgelord2002 -- i don't know if i'm gay

edgelord2002 -- I've never been with anyone before so how would i know

gingerbread -- you don't have to know

gingerbread -- i mean there are old people who die having no idea what they like

edgelord2002 -- what about you

gingerbread -- oh

 

gingerbread has started a chat with silverhoe

 

gingerbread -- help

silverhoe -- why

gingerbread -- so i asked ren if he's gay he said he doesn't know and then asked if i'm gay

silverhoe -- so tell him if you are or not, i don't know

gingerbread -- but i am

gingerbread -- i'm gayer than luke poe and finn combined

silverhoe -- then tell him what's the problem

gingerbread -- he'll think i'm asking for personal gain

silverhoe -- you are asking for personal gain

gingerbread -- fine

 

gingerbread has started a private chat with edgelord2002

 

gingerbread -- i'm very gay

edgelord2002 -- how do you know?

gingerbread -- there's a boy who is so beautiful i don't even have to have been with a boy to know i like him

gingerbread -- he's not the only boy i've ever found attractive either

edgelord2002 -- some people just know then

gingerbread -- yeah they do

 

gingerbread has disconnected the private chat

some chill kids

 

damnuron -- so how has everyone been today?

jediscum -- confused

damnuron -- explain my bro

jediscum -- so if only 1 in 10 people are gay

jediscum -- only a max of three people in our group can be gay and that's pushing it

jediscum -- so you, finn and luke

jediscum -- and then only 2 in 10 people are bi, so hux, phasma, han, leia, obi wan, anakin

damnuron -- i don't think that's right rey

gingerbread -- rey i'm a flaming homo

silverhoe -- she guessed most of that right ngl

cinnamonroll -- rey has the gaydar of a lesbian

jediscum -- i can't be gay look at the stats

edgelord2002 -- no one said you were

 

silverhoe has started a chat with jediscum

 

silverhoe -- sup

jedisum -- i was about to message you

silverhoe -- oh yeah?

jediscum -- you're gay right, or bi at least

silverhoe -- well i'm not straight but that's all i know

jediscum -- great

jediscum -- you should kiss me next time i see you

silverhoe -- explain please, i'm thoroughly confused

jediscum -- i don't know if i'm a lesbian or something, so i figured kissing a girl will help me find out

silverhoe -- i'll think about it, we could hang out tomorrow and if it feels right i'll kiss you

jediscum -- thanks man

 

some chill kids

 

islandloner -- so finn poe how is marriage working out for you

smugsmuggler -- kid, they're not married

islandloner -- whatever

cinnamonroll -- seriously guys, you happy?

FN-noturbitch -- i'm loving it

damnuron -- it's great man

cinnamonroll -- aw you guys are cute

islandloner -- han you coming around later or nah

smugsmuggler -- sounds good ;)

cinnamonroll -- i'm home today so

cinnamonroll -- open door policy

islandloner -- thanks mom


	4. quartre (french i think who tf knows)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lets do it again since y'all seem to like it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hux : gingerbread (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Kylo : edgelord2002 (Freshman/yr10)  
> Rey : jediscum (Freshman/yr10)  
> Finn : FN-noturbitch (Freshman/yr10)  
> Poe : damnuron (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Phasma : silverhoe (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Han : smugsmuggler (Junior/yr12)  
> Leia : cinnamonroll (Junior/yr12)  
> Luke: islandloner (Junior/yr12)  
> Anakin : thesandman (Senior/yr13)  
> Padme : chokeme (Senior/yr13)  
> Obi Wan : hellothere (Senior/yr13)

silverhoe has started a private chat with jediscum

 

silverhoe -- i'm sorry

jediscum -- don't be i get it

jediscum -- you did what i asked

silverhoe -- i kissed you and then ran away

silverhoe -- that was rude and stupid

jediscum -- no it isn't, you don't like me like that and it's fine

silverhoe -- that's not what i meant by it, it doesn't matter anyway

silverhoe -- did you figure anything out from it

jediscum -- i like kissing you, but i still don't know

jediscum -- why did you run, if you don't mind me asking

silverhoe -- i've wanted to kiss you for a long time now

jediscum -- that makes no sense

jediscum -- if you wanted to kiss me why leave

silverhoe -- because i was scared

silverhoe -- i was scared i'd done it wrong or that you'd think i'm weird

jediscum -- i wanted to kiss you again, you had nothing to be scared of

silverhoe -- oh

jediscum -- but maybe another time, when we both feel more comfortable

 

jediscum disconnected the chat

thesandman started a private chat with chokeme

 

thesandman -- hey padme

chokeme -- what do you want

thesandman -- i wanna talk about what happened

chokeme -- not too busy with obi wan, are you

thesandman -- we're in a three way relationship because we're supposed to all love each other, it's been like this for too long to change it now

chokeme -- what do you mean

thesandman -- obi wan loves you, and so do i, and i think despite what you're saying you love us too

chokeme -- is it working anymore though

thesandman -- i'm adding obi wan to the chat, we'll talk and you guys be civil to each other

chokeme -- okay

 

thesandman added hellothere to the chat

 

hellothere -- padme, before we start, i'm so sorry

chokeme -- save it

thesandman -- okay so padme

thesandman -- you think we don't give you enough of our attention, right

chokeme -- you could say that

thesandman -- so what if we went to see the new guardians of the galaxy and you sat in the middle

chokeme -- that would be nice

hellothere -- and do you want to be added back to the main chat

chokeme -- yeah obi wan, sounds good

 

thesandman has disconnected the chat

some chill kids

hellothere has added chokeme to some chill kids

 

thesandman -- we're fixing stuff kids

cinnamonroll -- yay!

cinnamonroll -- i was worrying guys

chokeme -- you're too cute leia

islandloner -- so is everyone good

edgelord2002 -- nah i gotta talk to some people

smugsmuggler -- if he hooks up with the ginger kid you owe me a fiver luke

islandloner -- you're on, i reckon he's all about rey

jediscum -- i've already got you as a whiny bitch luke

islandloner -- respect your elders child

 

edgelord2002 has started a private chat with silverhoe 

 

edgelord2002 -- i'm gonna ask hux out

edgelord2002 -- well idk

edgelord2002 -- but i like him and we've been best friends for so long and he's fucking cute

silverhoe -- yes please do it i cannot lose this bet

edgelord2002 -- bet?

silverhoe -- don't ask questions from me, he'll say no if you don't hurry up

 

silverhoe has disconnected the chat

edgelord2002 has started a private chat with gingerbread

 

edgelord2002 -- hux

gingerbread -- hey

edgelord2002 -- i need to ask you something

gingerbread -- okay go for it

edgelord2002 -- so you're gay and i'm something and you're cute and i'm shredded

gingerbread -- you're 15 you're hardly shredded

edgelord2002 -- not the point

edgelord2002 -- so all of this would suggest that the two of us going on a date would make a lot of sense

gingerbread -- but do you like me

edgeord2002 -- yes, hux, you're my best friend and i want to be more than that, if it's possible, because somehow despite not knowing my own sexuality i know i wnt to be with you

gingerbread -- a simple yes would have sufficed

gingerbread -- yes, i'll go on a date with you

edgelord2002 -- thank you

gingerbread -- pick me up at seven 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooooo  
> hux has to tell phasma about this
> 
> and then tell Anakin he hates sand
> 
> see ya next time kids


	5. a fiver because round that currency honey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more shit that y'all seem to like and it gets me kudos and validation and i'm a crippling mess so lets do this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hux : gingerbread (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Kylo : edgelord2002 (Freshman/yr10)  
> Rey : jediscum (Freshman/yr10)  
> Finn : FN-noturbitch (Freshman/yr10)  
> Poe : damnuron (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Phasma : silverhoe (Sophomore/yr11)  
> Han : smugsmuggler (Junior/yr12)  
> Leia : cinnamonroll (Junior/yr12)  
> Luke: islandloner (Junior/yr12)  
> Anakin : thesandman (Senior/yr13)  
> Padme : chokeme (Senior/yr13)  
> Obi Wan : hellothere (Senior/yr13)

some chill kids

silverhoe - so hux u got any mcshit to say this fine ass day  
gingerbread - oh sweet lord take mercy on my soul and end this eternal suffering  
silverhoe - say it  
gingerbread - yo ani  
sandman - sup lil dude  
chokeme - o fuck ~ hamlet  
hellothere - this is bad  
cinnamonroll - guys...  
gingerbread - I can wholeheartedly admit to something today  
sandman - go on  
gingerbread - I, General Armitage Hux  
edgelord2002 - who tf made u a general   
gingerbread - hate sand with a deep and burning passion  
smugsmuggler - nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
islandloner - hux what have you done?????  
jediscum - I h8 this guy but he cant do this to himself  
sandman - I fuckin love you armitage  
edgelord2002 - plz get away from my boyfriend fam  
islandloner - wut  
smugsmuggler - fuck yes  
cinnamonroll - ...  
FN-noturbitch - holy mcshitnugget  
damnuron - is... is it real... is kylux... happening?...  
silverhoe - yes they are!!!  
silverhoe - I won the bet!!!  
smugsmuggler - me too, luke, kid, u owe my five bucks  
edgelord2002 - was the bet saying that to ani?  
gingerbread - maybe  
sandman - bet or not I believe u man  
gingerbread - fuCK I LOOKED OUT MY WINDOW AND ANIKIN IS RUNNING TOWARDS MY HOUSE WHERE DO I HIDE  
chokeme - in the sandpit in the sandpit  
hellothere - we installed it two weeks ago while u were sleeping go go go  
jediscum - I have questions  
damnuron - not to be rude rey  
damnuron - but which jedi's cum is your name  
jediscum - ffs poe it says jedi scum not jedis cum  
FN-noturbitch - poe don't do this u fucking disgrace  
sandman - he has hidden in sand!  
sandman - my one weakness   
sandman - I will come for u one day hux!  
damnuron - then u can be rey's username


End file.
